When Everything Stopped, I Started Becoming Me

In 2020, the world shut down. And so did everything I thought I knew.

Like so many others, I watched my carefully built routines and plans vanish overnight. The gym closed. Business slowed. Travel stopped. But more than that, the version of myself I had been hustling to maintain began to crumble too.

I didn’t know it yet, but I was in the early stages of perimenopause. My body was speaking louder than it ever had. Epstein-Barr flared. SIBO wreaked havoc. And the exhaustion wasn’t just physical anymore. It was spiritual, emotional, and deep in my soul.

What unraveled wasn’t just my health. It was my identity.

I had spent years trying to build a business the way other people said I should. I tried to be the kind of practitioner that fit the mold. I tried to be a Christian woman like the ones I saw in church—pleasant, polished, and quietly going along with things that never felt quite right. But underneath all of that, I was aching with a question I couldn’t ignore anymore.

Who am I, really? When no one is watching, when nothing is performing, when everything is stripped away?

The shutdown became a sacred invitation to look closer. I realized I couldn’t keep pushing. I couldn’t keep pretending. I couldn’t keep performing a version of myself that wasn’t true.

And that’s when the real healing began.

Not the kind that starts with supplements or protocols, but the kind that starts when God whispers, “You’re already loved. You don’t have to earn it.”

Scripture became more than ink on a page. It became my lifeline. “Beloved friend, I pray that you are prospering in every way and that you continually enjoy good health, just as your soul is prospering” (3 John 1:2, TPT). I clung to that promise, even on the days I couldn’t get out of bed. Even when healing felt out of reach.

I had to confront the lies I had carried for decades. Lies like, “You’re an embarrassment.” “You’re not enough.” “You have to work hard to be loved.” Growing up as a pastor’s kid, I learned early how to stay small, how to be acceptable, and how to avoid judgment. I lived in the glass house, watched constantly. Shame and fear taught me how to overachieve.

But perfectionism is a fragile identity. And legalism keeps you exhausted.

I had to let both of them go.

And in their place, I started to see the woman God actually created me to be. Loved. Whole. Rooted. Already equipped. Already His. “You will be standing firm like a flourishing tree planted by God’s design, deeply rooted by the brooks of bliss, bearing fruit in every season of life” (Psalm 1:3, TPT).

It wasn’t easy. I still practice this daily. “For as he thinks within himself, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7, TPT). I speak truth before I feel it. I fill my mind with scripture. I journal. I declare. I listen to the Holy Spirit in the stillness. This isn’t a one-time event. It’s a rhythm. A lifestyle. A returning home.

And slowly, the truth has settled in. I already have everything I need. Not someday. Not once I hit a milestone or goal. Right now. Because “everything we could ever need for life and godliness has already been deposited in us by his divine power” (2 Peter 1:3, TPT).

That kind of freedom changes everything.

Now I help women heal. Not just their symptoms, but their sense of self. I help them come home to the truth of who they are in Christ. Not hustling for it. Not striving to prove it. But learning to live from the love they already have.

If I were sitting across from you right now, I wouldn’t try to fix you. I’d ask, “What do you want to believe about yourself?” And then I’d hold space for the holy unraveling.

Because healing doesn’t always mean going back to who you were. Sometimes, it’s about becoming who you were always meant to be.

—

Amanda Surratt

Faith-Driven Chronic Illness Healer

www.confidentlyjoyful.com

You’re invited—

Join my Facebook community for faith-filled women healing and growing in their true identity.

Book a free 30-minute Heal for Good Call to explore what’s keeping you stuck and how to finally break through.

Or come walk with us in Healing Through Faith—my membership for women who are choosing wholeness, peace, and true identity every day.